My rational for starting this blog was that I wasn't going to just talk about bugaboo. Third day and breaking another rational.
He's just so cute. You wouldn't believe the conversations that we have or the horrible dancing and singing that he has witnessed but I just LOOOOVE this child. I knew that I would. I knew that I wanted this experience but that overwhelming feeling of love is amazing. As Carl Sandburg said, "A baby is God's opinion that life should go on."
Right now that resonates with me. When you look around the world and all that is happening bugaboo gives me hope. When you wonder if God is even watching or caring or just laughing and shooting spit balls there is Luca. And I am reminded that it is through us and life that God enables us to make the world better. It is through hope. Hope for him, for me and for our world. Not just because he is going to grow up and do the most amazing things but for what he has given his parents, hope.
He is going to do amazing things. The list of possibilities that I have drawn up for him contains no less then truly amazing things. Hope for his mom because I finally understand unconditional love.
I love bugaboo unconditionally. (Anyone who knows me knows that I don't do anything unconditionally) But this guy, my baby, my son, my child, I love unconditionally. I want to go to the mountain top and shout it, (a song that I hate hate hate.) The thing about unconditionally though is that I don't expect him to love me back. I don't expect him to like me, respect me or even care one whit about me. I just HOPE that he will. That everything that I am and do and feel is one day reciprocated. That one day this little boy, miracle of miracles, looks up and says "I love you." I cry just thinking about it. I know that some of his choices will make me sad, and that I will embarrass him, and make him mad but in the end I hope that he can love me just 1/100 of a percent that I love him. I'm not saying that this is going to affect my parental style. I do not believe that my job as parent is to be his friend or liked. I'm just saying that at the end of the day I hope that I am enough. Not with guilt or games. This little bugaboo has such a hold of my heart that I can't imagine not seeing him every minute of every day. That one day he will be able to say no or even want things. Or, horror, leave home and have a life. I hope his dorm roommate understands his mom staying there. Does Oxford have dorms?
Hope for the world. Because now more then ever I care about global warming, the oil crisis, recycling and carbon emissions and I sorta cared before. Watch out family I'm ratcheting up the anti-Wal-Mart attacks. I need to leave this world better for my son. I need him to have some chance of a happy life. I don't think that the generations before us understands how much the world has changed. They look at us like we are crazy and dysfunctional because we have debt. Hello, how were we supposed to pay for school? Grant? Hum... not many of those. Do they get how much a house costs, gas, medical insurance or any of the other necessities. I can't fix the big things but I can make better choices. I hope that this is how all parents feel. That way the earth has a chance and maybe society.
What a post. I told bluetooth that a blog of mine would be crazy and scattered.
He's just so cute. You wouldn't believe the conversations that we have or the horrible dancing and singing that he has witnessed but I just LOOOOVE this child. I knew that I would. I knew that I wanted this experience but that overwhelming feeling of love is amazing. As Carl Sandburg said, "A baby is God's opinion that life should go on."
Right now that resonates with me. When you look around the world and all that is happening bugaboo gives me hope. When you wonder if God is even watching or caring or just laughing and shooting spit balls there is Luca. And I am reminded that it is through us and life that God enables us to make the world better. It is through hope. Hope for him, for me and for our world. Not just because he is going to grow up and do the most amazing things but for what he has given his parents, hope.
He is going to do amazing things. The list of possibilities that I have drawn up for him contains no less then truly amazing things. Hope for his mom because I finally understand unconditional love.
I love bugaboo unconditionally. (Anyone who knows me knows that I don't do anything unconditionally) But this guy, my baby, my son, my child, I love unconditionally. I want to go to the mountain top and shout it, (a song that I hate hate hate.) The thing about unconditionally though is that I don't expect him to love me back. I don't expect him to like me, respect me or even care one whit about me. I just HOPE that he will. That everything that I am and do and feel is one day reciprocated. That one day this little boy, miracle of miracles, looks up and says "I love you." I cry just thinking about it. I know that some of his choices will make me sad, and that I will embarrass him, and make him mad but in the end I hope that he can love me just 1/100 of a percent that I love him. I'm not saying that this is going to affect my parental style. I do not believe that my job as parent is to be his friend or liked. I'm just saying that at the end of the day I hope that I am enough. Not with guilt or games. This little bugaboo has such a hold of my heart that I can't imagine not seeing him every minute of every day. That one day he will be able to say no or even want things. Or, horror, leave home and have a life. I hope his dorm roommate understands his mom staying there. Does Oxford have dorms?
Hope for the world. Because now more then ever I care about global warming, the oil crisis, recycling and carbon emissions and I sorta cared before. Watch out family I'm ratcheting up the anti-Wal-Mart attacks. I need to leave this world better for my son. I need him to have some chance of a happy life. I don't think that the generations before us understands how much the world has changed. They look at us like we are crazy and dysfunctional because we have debt. Hello, how were we supposed to pay for school? Grant? Hum... not many of those. Do they get how much a house costs, gas, medical insurance or any of the other necessities. I can't fix the big things but I can make better choices. I hope that this is how all parents feel. That way the earth has a chance and maybe society.
What a post. I told bluetooth that a blog of mine would be crazy and scattered.
1 comment:
There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that you will do right by bugaboo, and that he feels your energy and love. I think his temperment is a testament to that.
You are already a fantastic mom, and reading what you just wrote reaffirms that ten fold.
I am proud of you and I know Luca will be too, and he will tell you that, as soon as he can speak.
....which might be next week.
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